"When they allow a talk show host to play them like a two-dollar banjo, they demonstrate what kind of backbone they'll bring to the job later on, if we elect them. After they get elected will they continue to allow Jeff Crank to put a nickel in them and wind them up every Saturday morning?"
Barry Noreen, former columnist, Colorado Springs Gazette
Barry Noreen, former columnist, Colorado Springs Gazette
"There's a lot of talent there" - Shannon Fowler
"For a guy named Crank he's pretty affable" - Russ Latino
Monday, February 8, 2010
“An Exclusive Interview with the President”
by John Alexander Madison (J.A.M.)
February 8, 2010
Date: February 7, 2010
Place: The White House
It is Super Bowl XLIV Sunday afternoon and CBS Evening News anchor Katie Couric has just completed a live interview with the 44th President of the United States. Immediately thereafter, The President invited a relatively obscure writer from the Rocky Mountain region, yours truly, to an exclusive interview in the East Room of the White House. Excerpts from the visit follow.
JAM: Good afternoon, Mr. President, thank you for granting me an exclusive interview, I am humbled and truly appreciative for the opportunity to meet with you today.
POTUS: Look, with all due respect, the Super Bowl is starting shortly…can we get started?
JAM: Certainly, Mr. President. Let me start by asking why you believe tax increases on the “wealthiest Americans” will create jobs. It seems those who create jobs are primarily small business owners and if you impose more taxes on them they will be less inclined or able to hire anybody?
POTUS: Look, you are right, imposing more taxes will discourage employers from hiring, no doubt about it.
JAM: Then why are you proposing tax increases on the wealthy?
POTUS: Look, we need to create more jobs. It’s as simple as that. If we increase tax revenues to the federal government we can hire more and more people to work for the government.
JAM: But that makes no sense whatsoever. History has taught us that the government cannot create jobs. The government can only take away from citizens by imposing more taxes, spending more money, putting our nation in greater debt, and making millions more dependent on the government (a welfare state), through your re-distribution of wealth scheme. Isn’t that really your goal?
POTUS: Exactly, I can’t say I disagree with you, John. But, look, I was elected President; I am not arrogant but I am in charge, and just about every policy I have proposed has not worked. But the people voted for change, and that means changing from a free-market economy to a socialist agenda…and, I want to give them hope.
JAM: I think Americans are full of hope…hope that you will stop your reckless and irresponsible spending spree (your so-called stimulus bill), stop increasing our national debt, stop your efforts to foist a national health care plan on the American public which they don’t want, and stop all this foolishness. They also want you to stop blaming President Bush for everything. You’ve been in office now for a full year. Isn’t it time for you to take responsibility for where we find ourselves?
POTUS: There is some truth in that, but I am the President and I don’t want to take responsibility.
JAM: But you must know that socialism has never been a successful government model. Don’t you?
POTUS: If at first you don’t succeed…well, you know the rest.
JAM: On a more personal note, Mr. President, how is your neck?
POTUS: My neck?
JAM: Yes, your neck. This is in reference to the twins.
POTUS: The twins? Do you mean Malia Ann (10 years old) and Sasha (Natasha) who is now 7?
JAM: No sir, you know, the Teleprompters. It seems you cannot speak extemporaneously on any subject without being pre-scripted and having to read off the Teleprompters…which is quite a distraction to those who are watching. Your head goes from side to side to side to side to side… well you get the idea…it is distracting and we sometimes forget what your message is.
POTUS: Well, actually, that is part of our strategy. Let’s be honest here, if we learned one thing from the Clinton presidency it is this: If we repeat things often enough our dumbed-down citizenry (and certainly non-citizens as well) will begin to believe everything we are saying. And, may I add, it seems to be working. That’s why I am doubling down at the moment. We can’t back off on this.
JAM: Doubling down, sir?
POTUS: Well, yes. Although it seems that most Americans, as many as 72%, do not want the Obamacare plan we’ve outlined for the last 55 weeks, we must not stop now. We must forge ahead and impose upon our citizens MY plan. After all, I know what is best for Americans. And don’t forget, my plan is not just for citizens. While citizens, their children and grandchildren will be involved, primarily paying for the program, it’s the non-citizens who will benefit the most. And, if we can keep “proof of citizenship” and “photo I.D.s when voting” legislation to a minimum, then everyone will be able to vote...not just citizens…this ensuring my re-election in 2012. After all, we proved once that he who promises the most FROM government will reap the rewards. It worked in ’08 and it will work again.
JAM: I’ve been told you have a pretty good sense of humor so I’ll assume you are kidding. You ARE kidding, right? No, don’t answer that. Let’s move on to another concern, perhaps outrage, of many Americans regarding your decision to try terrorists in New York City. You want to give them all the protections of the United States Constitution; you want them to have their Miranda rights; you want to lawyer them up and not face interrogation by national security experts; you want to try them in a civilian court not a military tribunal; and more. Yet, you do not want to acknowledge that these are enemies of the United States, and that we are at war, and they are not citizens and they should not be entitled to such protections.
POTUS: Was that a question?
JAM: Let me paraphrase that for you. What are you thinking, Mr. President, you seem so out of touch with mainstream America, we are at war!
POTUS: Look, those “so called terrorist” trial decisions were made by A.G. Eric Holder. And now that we’re on the topic of where the buck stops, the financial disaster is primarily due to Tim at Treasury and Ben at the Fed for failing to understand financial markets; and, of course, Chris Dodd, Barney Hotdog, and others who forced banks to loan money to millions of Americans who had no ability to repay those loans. But these guys along with Spender, I mean Speaker, Pelosi and Senator Reid have been in Congress longer than I have so they know all about deficit spending, earmarks, buying votes and more. And how about that Senator Franken (a/k/a Stuart Smalley), in just a matter of weeks he has been voted the most unpopular person in Congress. I am so proud of that boy, he fits right in.
Regarding being out of touch, I won the presidency overwhelmingly by winning big in Los Angeles, New York and Chicago where it really counts.
JAM: So it doesn’t bother you, Mr. President, that you won fewer counties than any President ever elected…just 875 of the 3086 U.S. counties? (27% for those of you from Yorba Linda, CA)
POTUS: Hello Michelle, excellent timing. We were just about through. How did your staff meeting go?
FIRST LADY: We had to postpone the meeting, Barry. It turns out my personal staff is larger than the last ten First Ladies combined and the room we booked was not big enough, so we rescheduled for tonight, in the Blue Room…it’s barely large enough to seat all eight-six, but it will work.
POTUS: Honey, if you don’t have enough staff to help you with all your official duties, be sure to hire more. Remember, it’s not our money.
JAM: Eighty-six, Mr. President?
POTUS: Listen you knucklehead…don’t go there, leave Michelle alone, she’s dedicated her entire life to public service after, of course, that sweetheart deal, the part-time $317,00 per year job at the hospital.
JAM: Mr. President I believe I may be overstaying my welcome so perhaps we should end this interview with one or two more questions.
POTUS: Listen, rookie, you overstayed your welcome at “Good afternoon, Mr. President…”
JAM: Mr. President, there have been three recent referendums on the first year of your presidency and the results must be discouraging. First, the Democrats lost the Governor races in two solidly blue states, Virginia and New Jersey. Then Scott Brown ran away with the Massachusetts election for U.S. Senator, the seat Ted Kennedy held for 46 years. And since early last summer tea parties throughout the nation are demanding a return to the more traditional, conservative values upon which our great nation was built. It’s clear your agenda has been solidly rejected. And then you say you will not let lobbyists influence the government yet you seem to have hired dozens of them as czars and persons of influence within The White House. And, on top of all that a recent Gallop poll says you are the most polarizing President in the history of our nation. So, what are your plans now?
POTOS: I’m going to Disneyworld!
AM: One final question, Mr. President. Which is your favorite part of Disneyworld, Fantasyland?
POTUS: Get out…get out…security!!
The truth is this interview did not take place. In a dream, this was how I though such an interview might go. It turned out to be a nightmare, just like the last twelve months!